10 Things We Learned from David Sedaris’ Delightful “Ask Me Anything”

Comedy Lists David Sedaris
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Humorist and storyteller Davis Sedaris is famous for penning comically candid essays about his life, friends and family, but there are still some things even he hasn’t written about. Yesterday, we found out what a few of those were when he stopped by Reddit to answer the Internet’s questions and promote his upcoming 45-city tour. Check out our favorite newfound bits of Sedaris trivia below or read the whole thing here.

1. He has a benign tumor he doesn’t know what to do with.

“I have a tumor on my side, it’s completely harmless, it’s called a lipoma, I want to have it surgically removed, and I want to feed it to a snapping turtle.

This is something I want to write about.

But in America, it’s against federal law to give you a tumor removed from your body. And snapping turtles only live in North America.

What am I to do?”

2. A fan once gave him an owl made of baby teeth.

“A woman in June, during my paperback tour, gave me an owl made of a pinecone and her daughter’s teeth.

She said “I understand you’re on a tour, and you can just throw this away if you have to” but it was made of her daughter’s teeth, so I couldn’t throw it away! So I brought it home and put it in my curio cabinet, which is exactly where it belonged.”

3. His sister Amy is much less animated in person.

“The Amy on television is much more manic and wiry than she is in real life. In real life, Amy is funny (of course), but she’s also a really good listener, and she’s really obviously concerned with whomever it is that she’s talking to. Television doesn’t allow for that, talk shows don’t allow for that.”

4. The other great passion of his life is picking up trash.

Asked “What would you be doing if you were not a writer?” Sedaris said:
“I would…pick up rubbish on the side of the road. For 12 hours a day. Instead of just 7 hours a day.”

5. He already has his Halloween costume.

“I have a show on Halloween.

So I will probably wear these pants I recently bought in Tokyo that come up to my nipples. I got them at the Dover Street Market, and they’re ridiculous.

I always wear a tie, when I’m onstage. So I’ll just be dressed up, except I have pants that come up to my nipples, that’s the only slight difference.”

6. He’s never played a video game.

“I’ve never played a video game.”

7. He still regrets something he said as a teenager.

Asked “What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to anyone including yourself?” Sedaris said:
”’I hope you die alone.’

I said that to my father when I was 13. And I’ve thought about it ever since.
I don’t think he remembers it, because as a parent of 6 kids, you’re gonna hear a lot of things like that. But my fear is that my father will die alone.

And…I’ll be forced, for the rest of my life, to think about that terrible thing that I said.

Does anyone know a woman who might want to marry my father and stay by his side night and day? He’s 92.”

8. He feels a kinship with crustaceans.

Asked “What’s your spirit animal?” Sedaris said:
“A sand flea.”

9. He has his blind look all planned out.

Asked “What’s the oddest thing you’ve seen in an airport recently?” Sedaris said:

The thing that’s interesting about airports – gosh. The strangest thing I’ve seen in an airport. OH. I was at Heathrow, and I saw a blind fellow who had no holes for his eyes, it was all just skin there.

Well, that’s the nice thing, you could stare and you didn’t have to worry you could get caught! It was such a good look. It’s just a good look. I think if I were blind, I would say “Just cover ‘em over. Just pave ‘em with flesh.” Because it’s a really good look.”

10. He thought everyone would be meaner.

“Well, are there like tons of horribly mean questions? I didn’t expect it to be so gentle. I didn’t expect people to be so kind. I was delighted, really. I’ve never done anything like this before. To my knowledge.”